I found this on a comment on groklaw... way too funny not to pass on. Brian ------------- Todays SCO's Verbal Argument (derived as a parody from Monty Python's 'Cheese Shop' sketch) (a judge takes his seat) Judge: Good Morning. SCO Lawyer: Good Morning, your honor! Judge: Ah, thank you. SCO Lawyer: What can I do for you, sir? Judge: Well, I called this hearing to hear your reasons why you are suing IBM. More specifically, to hear what kind of evidence you have against IBM. SCO Lawyer: Ah, evidence! Judge: In a nutshell, yes. So I thought to myself "a bit of verbal argument from SCO might do this case good and shed some light on what this is all about." SCO Lawyer: Come again? Judge: I want to know about the code. SCO Lawyer: Oh, I thought you were complaining about Mr. McBride's open letters! Judge: Oh, heaven forbid - I find those laced with humorous snippets of verbose prose! SCO Lawyer: Sorry? Judge: The letters are funny. SCO Lawyer: So he can go on typing then, can he? Judge: Most certainly! Now then, some evidence please, my good man. SCO Lawyer: Certainly, sir. What would you like? Judge: Well, eh, how about some SMP code violations? SCO Lawyer: I'm afraid we couldn't actually find any, sir. Judge: Oh, never mind, how about JFS? SCO Lawyer: I'm afraid we won't have that till after discovery from IBM. Judge: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout lawyer, let's see what you have about NUMA. SCO Lawyer: Ah! It's still waiting on someone to put it on a cd, we were expecting it this morning. Judge: It's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, RCU then? SCO Lawyer: Sorry, sir. Judge: Memory Allocation? SCO Lawyer: Normally, sir, yes. Today the courier's van broke down. Judge: Ah. USB? SCO Lawyer: Sorry. Judge: LPT ports drivers? Serial ports? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Any evidence about IDE drivers? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: SCSI? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: SATA? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Floating point emulation? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Video drivers? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Keyboard drivers? Vi, emacs, sendmail, x-windows, man pages, bash shell? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: "Tux Racer", perhaps? SCO Lawyer: Ah! We have evidence for that, yessir. Judge: (suprised) You do! Excellent. SCO Lawyer: Yes sir. The media it's on tho, it's ...ah...it's a bit smudged up... Judge: Oh, I don't mind a bit of a reading challenge. SCO Lawyer: Well...It's very smudged, actually, sir. Judge: No matter. Fetch hither the evidence of IBM's wrong doing! SCO Lawyer: I ... think it's a bit more smudged than you'd like, sir. Judge: I don't care how ****ing smudged it is. Hand it over will all speed. SCO Lawyer: Ooooooooooohhhh...! Judge: What now? SCO Lawyer: The paralegal's eaten it. Judge: Has he. SCO Lawyer: She, sir. (Pause) Judge: Grep? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Gzip? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: You... do have some evidence, don't you? SCO Lawyer: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a lawsuit, sir. We've got... Judge: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. SCO Lawyer: Fair enough. Judge: Uuuuuh, Gimp? SCO Lawyer: Yes? Judge: Ah, well, let's see the evidence on Gimp! SCO Lawyer: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr. Gimp, that's my name. (Pause) Judge: KDE? SCO Lawyer: Uh, not as such. Judge: Uuh, GNOME? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Ximian? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: OpenOffice? SCO Lawyer: Not today, sir, no. (Pause) Judge: Aah, how about how you found your evidence then? SCO Lawyer: Well, we weren't expecting to have to answer that. Judge: Weren't expecting?... It's one of the single most important pieces of discovery! SCO Lawyer: Not according to SCO, sir. Judge: And just what is the most important piece, "according to SCO"? SCO Lawyer: Our MIT analysts. Judge: Is it? SCO Lawyer: It's our number one piece of evidence, sir! Judge: All right. Okay. 'Are they here today?' he asked, expecting the answer "no". SCO Lawyer: I'll have a look, sir ... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. Judge: It's not much of a lawsuit, is it? SCO Lawyer: Finest money can buy! Judge: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. SCO Lawyer: Well, it's so full of legal jardon, sir! Judge: It's certainly uncontaminated by the burden of evidence... SCO Lawyer: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Pine, sir. Judge: Would it be worth it? SCO Lawyer: Could be.... Judge: Have you - (to McBride)SHUT THAT DAMN WORD PROCESSOR OFF! SCO Lawyer: Told you sir.... Judge: (slowly) Have you any evidence that IBM misappropriated SCO UNIX code into the PINE e-mail program? SCO Lawyer: No. Judge: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: SCO Lawyer: Yes sir? Judge: (Deliberately) Have you in fact got any evidence against IBM at all? SCO Lawyer: Yes, sir. Judge: Really? (Pause) SCO Lawyer: No. Not really, sir. Judge: You haven't. SCO Lawyer: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Judge: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sentence you to death. SCO Lawyer: Right-Oh, sir. (The Baliff takes the SCO Lawyer out of the courtroom . A few minutes later, a distant scream can be heard while the lights in the courtroom dim momentarily) Judge: What a senseless waste of human life.